Lately, I have been reflecting through my own actions past and present as to how limited we are as human beings to bring about any good in the world. It is as if we are all the widow in the bible with only two mites to give, a bit of good but nothing more.
Yet, this is not really a problem, for in the Holy Scriptures and writings of the Fathers, it is recurringly emphasized that it is not a problem to be someone bereft of things to give. To be the widow is fine, for she is entirely justified as a human being because she offered all that she has, the two mites in her possession, to God. If you could only offer a cold cup of water and that is all you can do, that is fine too, God will recompense us. Our God is merciful, the Kingdom of God, it can be bought with two mites or a cup of cold water. What matters is not that we have little to give, but whether we give the little we have.
Yet.. we somehow forget this most obvious fact and in our desperation to appear justified as worthy lovable human beings, we insist to ourselves and others that we have much more to give. We dream big and fashion for ourselves a story of our salvation and redemption in the sweeping scale and grandiosity of a Hollywood epic. We daringly proclaim to ourselves in the hymns and mantras of our age, that we can unlock 'greatness' within ourselves, that we can 'think' and 'grow' rich, that we can 'awaken' the giant within us.
Yet, what does this do except breeds in us worries, doubts and anxieties within the secret recesses of our heart, when reality confront us that we actually aren't great. When we find out that our thinking apparatus, it is a most faulty and error prone machine, that the Giant we hope to awaken inside of us, it is but a whimpering child frozen in the corridors of the past, still looking to receive the love that was denied it.
What do we do then, in fear and shame, we start to lie to ourselves. And instead of humbly putting our two mites in the collection jar and thanking God for his abundant mercies, we start to pour in a bunch of wood chips as counterfeit coins. We hope that the mound of wood chips will somehow fool God into thinking we are worthy instead of rendering our poverty even more conspicuous. A most foolish of human delusion I suppose... one which of course, I have been under the spell of innumerable times.
I remember about, how some 11 years ago I started a data science consulting business, with a head full of idealistic notions of how I would change the corporate world for the better. I believed back then that it was my destiny to fix a corrupt corporate culture and build a whole generation of new data scientist through a hybrid consulting/education business model. I fashioned in my mind a personal ambition how I would be able to grow a multitude of skills and capabilities and then give them away selflessly. In the secret chambers of my heart, I nurse a fantasy of how when I retire, all my 'students' would throw me a celebratory party and honor my efforts and sacrifices. Looking back, the reality was that I was trying to regain my humanity by becoming a "somebody" in the eyes of others. I had a very empty inner core and very little to give actually... In fact if anything, I was a major taker, demanding from the world attention, high monetary compensation and praise/adulation. And when I didn't get it, I become petulant then despondent. I quit the business after 3 years haughtily believing that I held to personal values that were too high for my then business partner.
So was that entire enterprise a futile one ? Maybe yes, maybe no... about a couple of years ago, an ex colleague told me that he met up with some of the old ex-colleague, and they all remembered me rather fondly. Of all the wood chips I deposited in the offering jar, I suppose that I also accidentally drop 2 mites into it as well, maybe something like being just a bit more kind and truthful than what is normally expected.
Perhaps that is all we can and should do anyway...
